I HAD A WEEK THIS WEEK.
It was SUPER DISCOURAGING!!!
It’s so funny writing these hope notes to you every week because it forces me to think about my thoughts all the time!
We got lice. First one kid, then another, and then me. ME!! I don’t remember ever having lice even as a kid!! So this is my first time around. . . and MAN I HATE THOSE **##@$! THINGS!
First what happens is that one kid is up in the night, all itchy. So I’m up in the night all confused. Putting AFTERBITE on her neck. Hugging her. Telling her to have a shower. Sending her back to bed. Then after a few sleepless nights, we figure it out and treat it. Then the next kid has trouble sleeping. I’m laying in her bed with her 2 nights in a row. So that’s a bunch of nights I’m up. I’m tired. Aaaaand we both have lice.
That is a lot of laundry and hair combing with stress attached to it. If we do this wrong, other people get it and we are stuck at home even longer.
Also had a flat tire this week.
And a dental bill with no coverage so we pay full.
Still have autism.
Still doing COVID with the rest of the world.
Friends and neighbors getting COVID.
A friend we just talked with super recently, passed away.
So yeah. I felt it.
You know those epic moments in a movie where a car skids out of control but somehow manages stops inches from a huge drop off - inches from death- maybe one tire is hanging over - and if no one moves, everyone is ok. So they take a deep breath and think “yay we made it” and they laugh, but then someone moves and the car starts to teeter . . .
That’s what it felt like. I had moments where I was inches from going face DOOOOWWWWWN into discouragement.
And I thought about you. And I thought about hope. I called a friend and asked for some lice advice. She made me laugh. She made me feel a bit normal. My mom helped with laundry.
I journaled a bit. Rocked in my chair. Went for a walk (not all at once.. Over the course of the development of all of this).
Today I wrote: Discouragement is what I feel. Hope is what I know.
So then I have to think about what I know. God is good. I am loved. I am not alone. I know (even though it DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT) that lice won’t last forever. It’s not anything that I did wrong, it’s just life. This is normal. It happens.
These thoughts have become foundational to me.. . but I haven’t believed them forever.
I used to believe that I should be perfect and anticipate and protect myself and my family from anything difficult or dangerous. The fact that I couldn’t - in the past - meant I was a stupid mistake maker who couldn’t do better and nothing I did worked properly and that love depended on perfection so obviously . . . I wasn’t lovable. And . . . spiral. Face down in the food, the Netflix, the yelling, quitting things, and whatever else seemed appropriate in the moment.
If those beliefs were still my foundation, I would have been a volatile mom, wife, friend, etc. Disaster upon disaster.
I AM rattled. I AM frustrated. It's hard. BUT . . .
What I KNOW brings me hope.
I’m not big enough to stop autism and covid and lice and flat tires from coming. But that was never my purpose. I’m here to grow. To love. Be loved. To care. I can do that with lice and flat tires and covid and dental bills.
My hope is not that nothing bad will happen. My hope is that when bad things happen, that what I am SURE of, my beliefs, they are true and good and the kind that support and sustain me.
What do you believe? Do your beliefs bring you down or do they provide hope when times get tough? Where do your beliefs hinder hope?
I’m sure we all are in the middle there somewhere - on a journey. It’s worth thinking about. Hope wants to show up, but sometimes our beliefs won’t let hope live.
Life is SO much better when what I believe leads me to hope.
Do you want to watch hope come alive? This one gets me every time: hope.
PS. A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Sorry. Not sorry! Ok fine. Here’s a hair joke:
What makes music on your hair?
Answer: A headband.